Now just what the hell do I mean by a title like that, you're probably wondering. Well, it may not actually be the best way of saying it, but after racking my brains for ages for a way of introducing this topic, this is the best that I've come up with, so it'll have to do.
So what is this all about? No, I'm not going to talk about abandoning relationships in favour of casual sex or anything like that. No, this is about the tightest chains that can be used on a person - those used in the name of love. Whether that love be paternal, filial, platonic or even relationship based, the bond created between us and those whom we care deeply for is a strong one. Often it provides us with a great source of courage and determination. However, it is a double-edged sword. It can also provide us with an anchor that prevents us from losing sight of the shore. As one of my friends has said, 'You cannot explore new lands without the courage to lose sight of the shore'.
So what is all this getting to? Will he ever stop beating around the bush?, I hear you ask.
The answer is simple. Sometimes those whom we care for and who care for us, for reasons which seem apparent to them, hold us back with often persuasive arguments 'for our own good'. Sometimes these reasons are valid, but other times these reasons hide deeper fears or discrepencies in their acceptance that they would prefer not to admit to. I've got to stress, 'discrepencies in their acceptance' does not imply it's their fault. Everyone is different, and you won't always get the same high levels of acceptance from some that you get from others.
So where does this leave you, and what sort of examples can I provide?
The classic example of course is actually coming out. How many of us have had problems coming out to our parents for the fear of being rejected? This is being held back by the bonds of love. We restrict ourselves, often in painful ways, rather than tell our parents. I remember a time when I 'seriously' thought of remaining celebate until my pareents were dead, figuring that at say, 60 or so I'd still have time to explore my sexuality.
There are more subtle examples than this though. A good friend through University who I've since drifted from used to maintain to me that there was 'no need' for me to read gay movies/watch gay books or entertain the notion of 'gay history'. The notion of a 'gay history' was biased, he maintained. Now of course I can come up with the argument that normal history is biased as well, but well, that's an argument to be had again at some stage. He was actually fairly accepting (I still suspect that he's bisexual but just unable to deal with it, but that's another story), but this attitude indicated a depth he just wasn't able to come to. Sometimes looking back over it I feel like it was just a way of saying something like "look, at the moment, you're a manageable token gay friend. Don't become more gay." I don't think that was ever a conscious thought, but I do believe it played a part in his attitude.
So where does this leave us? Have I made a point?
Consider it this way. From time to time in your life, you will receive advise, signals, or cautions from those who share a bond with you. This is the nature of any form of relationship, and isn't to be avoided. By sharing our ideas we advance the spirit of humankind. But what you need to do is remember to take stock of what you're being told and objectively ask yourself 'is this advise for my benefit, or their benefit?'
A good friend of mine once said "never attribute maliciousness to something that can be more easily explained by stupidity". I guess this is just a specific derivation of Occam's Razor - if there is a simple solution, it most likely is the case.
This is the case with 'misguided' advise. Don't assume that it's a deliberate attempt to hold you back (though from time to time you'll encounter this as well), but keep in mind it's most likely being suggested out of differing levels of acceptance and understanding and therefore, most likely out of concern in some way for you. But what you have to become the expert in is judging how much of the 'concern for you' boils down to 'something I cannot deal with'.
You do this all the time in other areas. We're constantly being poked and prodded into all sorts of directions, many of them different to those that we'd like to go in ourselves. We cope with this on a daily basis in all other facets of our lives, but we often fall down when it comes to this prodding in terms of our sexuality. I know - I constantly do it. It's only recently that I've started noticing how much I do it and how wrong it is.
Sometimes it's OK to have a fuck you attitude and do the things you want to do.
(C) 1996-2000 Preston de Guise